The word elicits excitement, pleasure and wariness but what exactly is flirting, and why does it have such a bad rap?

By Jean Smith - Aquarius Magazine February 2008

What is flirting?

“How would you define ‘flirting’?” This was the first question I asked over 250 single men and women, from six different countries, as part of my research into cultural differences in flirting behaviour. As I found out, there was no universal consensus as to what constitutes flirting. People’s attitudes would vary not only by culture, but also gender. I also noticed a correlation between the frequency of flirting and its outcome.

In some cultures, such as American, flirting was done often and taken lightly. It was quite normal for one person to flirt with many different people in the same evening, and its higher frequency had less impact. This was different from Swedish culture, where flirting wasn’t done often, but when it was, it was taken seriously. One Swedish woman cautioned “If you flirt, you had better choose carefully, because you will be stuck with that person for the whole evening!” Cross culturally, there was a spectrum of definitions and attitudes to flirting, but generally in all countries, men saw flirting as a means to an end and women saw it as a form of social communication.

Why do we flirt?

Flirting is more widespread than what its reputation leads us to believe. Indeed, there are many /motives, as well as benefits, to flirting than simply attracting the opposite sex. Respondents across cultures said they used flirting to make social interactions run smoother, as a way to test their own attractiveness, to make others feel good, or simply as an enjoyable way to pass the time. Indeed, flirting can be used in numerous ways, and the same techniques you would use to flirt with your good-looking workmate James (humor and attention) to make him feel good, are the same techniques you would use with your great Aunt Mary. The key to successful social interactions, regardless of whether it is with someone you are attracted to or not, is to make people feel that they are appreciated, and unique. The benefits are two-fold. Not only will their good feelings be extended to the person who helped to create them – you - but it also stands to reason that if most of our attention and energy is focused on the other person, then we have less time to wallow in our own insecurities and nervousness. The ability to successfully generate these good feelings across different types of relationships, to anyone from bosses to mothers-in-law to shop keepers, when done successfully, could gain you anything from promotions, approval of worthiness of sons, to free chocolate bars!

How to distinguish between being friendly and flirting

While the underlying principles of flirting are the same, the way we flirt depends on the person and the context. The major difference between being friendly and flirting is sexual undertone. This helps us differentiate between feelings of attraction and friendly feelings. The tricky part comes when the other person has problems distinguishing your intentions. Let’s face it, in social interactions, women are conditioned to be polite by letting the other person speak, offering a smile or a nod, and by being as encouraging as possible. For instance, you could be friendly with Martin, a nice guy that we have just met, but aren’t particularly interested in. However, Martin, misreading your responses, believes you are flirting with him. And this could quite possibly be true, since we act the same way towards Martin as we would if we actually were interested in him. Poor Martin, can you blame him?

I have found that women who continuously end up in awkward situations because they haven’t been able to make their level of interest clear, are often wary of flirting. This is unfortunate because not only are they missing out on amazing opportunities, but additionally, they are missing out on loads of fun! A good flirt not only knows the line between chemistry-fuelled flirting and friendly fun, but by managing expectations and setting clear boundaries, she skillfully and subtly makes sure the other person does as well.

How to reverse flirt

While it is important to make others feel good, we don’t want to lead them on. If referring to the definition of flirting as making people feel good, you could still do that with ‘nice guy’ Martin, even if you are only interested in him on a friendly level. So, how do you do that? There are three main indicators which let someone know that you are interested in them. They are non-verbal communication, proximity, and level of attention. These can be used to show both interest and your level of interest. Assuming that you liked Martin in only a friendly way, you would demonstrate this by using non-verbal communication. Which, at 80% of received communication, is a lot more powerful than words. For instance, you wouldn’t stand directly facing him, which is a stance used for much more intimate situations, and you wouldn’t lock eyes with his throughout the conversation. As for proximity, instead of being glued to his side the whole evening; you would politely excuse yourself and wander around talking to other people as well. In addition, your level of attention would be moderate, (as in you wouldn’t pretend to be stuck on his every word) your eye contact would not be continuous and intense, and finally, if none of these subtleties seemed to work, you could drop in comments about how you are constantly traveling or how much you enjoy being single.

How do we flirt?

Flirting is all in the eyes, or at least, that’s where it begins. In my research, it was apparent that eye contact was universally understood as the greatest indicator of flirting. And, significantly, how we use our eyes is of equal importance. One of my interviewees, Charles from London, says “It’s when they look at my eyes, then lips, then eyes again, that makes me stop and think, hmmm, I think this is going rather well.” Eye contact from French women, on the other hand, did not seem as easily understood by English men. French women look at the person they are interested in for the briefest moment because, as they say, anything longer than that, would be perceived as them being ‘easy’. New York women are much less constrained in their eye contact. Many have admitted to looking a man ‘up and down’ with their eyes to show interest whereas Swedes show the briefest flick of the eyes to show they are interested. One blink and you will miss it, literally. Other key signals men recognize as flirting are; proximity, leaning in, and touching. Additionally, flirting indicators which are specifically British are ‘when she laughs at my bad jokes’, she plays with her hair, and ‘acts like she is happy to be with me.’

So besides eye contact, what are other ways to show someone you are interested? One key element of successful social interaction is focusing on the other person. As observed by one of F. Scott Fitzgerald’s characters, “the more parts of yourself you can afford to forget the more charm you have”. Forgetting about yourself and your insecurities, leaves more time and attention for you to focus on the other person, less concentration on your own potential goof-ups, allows you to feel less self-conscious. Additionally, Psychologists have done numerous studies indicating that we like to spend time in the company of people who like us (Sprecher 1998) since it contributes to making us feel good. Swami and Furnham agree. In their book, The Psychology of Physical Attraction, they say “We find attractive, those who pay us attention”. This is easily achieved by asking people questions about themselves. Not only does this indicate that you are interested in them, thereby fostering the ‘we like people who like us’ effect, but learning more about the other person makes it easier to find commonalities, an essential feature in creating ‘liking’.

Being in someone’s proximity is another way to increase the liking aspect of flirting. In fact, contrary to the old adage ‘absence makes the heart grow fonder’ studies show that we actually respond more favourably to those faces which we see most often. In a study by Moreland and Beach (1992) students indicated they preferred tutors who they had the most frequent contact. This leads us to believe that putting in extra hours at the office might be the fastest route to that promotion, that is, as long as your boss is physically there to see you.

Where do we flirt?

The advantage of flirting is that it can be done anytime and anywhere. I noticed Londoners would only flirt on a Friday or Saturday night, at a pub or club, wearing specific clothing, and after 2.5 drinks. It is very limiting to only flirt under pre-conceived settings. So, with the goal of demonstrating that flirting can easily be a part of our everyday lives, I began my Flirting and Walking tours of London. I take people to everyday locations and teach them my ‘3 Methods of Attack’, which are three different ways to approach people, depending if you are shy, or more assertive. The advantage to flirting in every day situations, besides the obvious fun, is that there is less pressure and no agendas. Agenda-less flirting is the way to go. I advise people that when they begin a conversation with someone, it is best not to have any specific intentions, but rather view it as a 1-3 minute conversation. If everything goes well - the timing, the chemistry - then something might come of it. But anticipating a date for Saturday night should certainly not be the intention when beginning a conversation with the good-looking boy at Carrefour. From my research, people seemed to be split as to whether a pub or club was a good place to flirt. Generally speaking, people I interviewed around the world considered friend’s parties, weddings, and cafes as classic flirting settings, whereas those cheeky New Yorkers deemed ‘everywhere’ as a good place to flirt!

Remember, there are three basic tenets of flirting: There is no set formula always guaranteed to woo our chosen ones; if we are not interested in someone, then we should not give them signals that we are; and finally, if the purpose of flirting is to make others feel good, then different styles of flirting are appropriate in almost every situation. If you follow these fundamental principles, you will be happier, more confident, and will definitely have more fun in supermarket queues! I feel that flirting is about making people feel good about themselves. Filling people with respect, confidence, and happiness, will undoubtedly come back to you. It is comparable to giving to charity - the charity is pleased to receive the donation and the person donating feels good that they have contributed. It’s a win-win situation.

Five no fail tips to woo him

1. Let him know you are interested by casually starting a conversation. For example, stand next to him at the bar and order a drink. After a fun and flirty chat, leave his proximity. Throughout the evening, send him approachability signals by making eye contact and smiling at him. This will draw him over and make you seem more desirable because he had to come up to you.
2. Look for cues in conversation topics which might be of interest to him. If he mentions that he likes to fish, ask him a few questions about it, but remember, life is too short to be stuck in a boring conversation. If he is going on and on about large-mouth bass, pick up another cue in the conversation to change the direction to a more interesting topic for you. “Oh, you go fishing in Florida? I used to live in Miami before I moved to Dubai.” Now the conversation is open to a large range of topics which you might find more interesting.
3. Whenever you have the chance to build someone up, do! Don’t just think nice things about someone, tell them!
4. Don’t take the ‘safe’ way out by only acting like a good friend with someone that you are attracted to. Flirt girl, flirt! Flip your hair, pout your lips, and show off your best angles. Let him know that you are a desirable woman, and if he doesn’t think so, go find one of the many others out there who does!
5. Don’t take flirting too seriously, either in your choice of conversation topics, or its impact on your life. Flirting is fun, it’s agenda-less, and should be done as much as possible!

Jean Smith is a Cultural Anthropologist and regular media commentator on social behaviour. She also runs the Flirting and Walking Tours of London guiding people in the art of flirting.